Hello friends, it’s been a while! A long while, to the tune of about 9 months or so? No, I did not have a child in that timeframe- I’m fixed and almost 51 for crying out loud! I wish I could blame it on covid but in reality, that was only a very tiny part of it.
This blog won’t be about that. I feel it’s important to mention it, yes, but it’s not in any way the focal point of anything in my life. Other than wearing a mask, it’s not impacted my life drastically, as of yet. I had already been living life cautiously since my cancer diagnosis 3 years ago, washing hands, disinfecting, keeping a safe distance from the general public. I’m also an introvert, so although I do go out for social situations, most of my outings were yoga or shopping related. So for me, all that changed was that I no had yoga class to go to. To be honest, though, I’d already turned my back on yoga at that point, to a certain degree.
What changed me and left me grappling for a sense of “self” was my near death in December 2019 when I went into keto-acidosis. As a result of my immunotherapy, my pancreas stopped working and my blood sugars went sky high. I know I’m lucky to be alive and I try to remind myself of that whenever I get bitter about now being an insulin dependant diabetic. Suffice it to say, between that and immunotherapy, I’ve gotten over my fear of needles.
I felt betrayed. I did so much to stay healthy and I was in excellent physical and mental condition. I also payed it forward by donating my time and teaching chair yoga to people aged 50+ in my community. But bad things happen to good people every day, right? Yes, that’s oversimplified and it took me many months to just summarize it in that sense, but it’s true. Shit happens, deal with it, move on, otherwise…well, really, I’d be wasting the very life that I struggle to hang on to.
But I did turn my back on yoga for a while. I was supposed to attract good karma, not bad. It took a while, but eventually I turned my views around. Had I not been doing yoga and in excellent physical and mental health, it’s my feeling that I would have died in December. Hence, it is because of yoga that I am still here. Because I was strong, my body was able to endure what it went through and because of my mental health, I was able to claw through the darkness that would often creep over me, and find the light to emerge.
My mission? My “dharma”, duty, my calling? To spread that light, in some fashion.
A couple of years ago, when I came across the term “empath” and had that “AHA” moment, “This is what I am!”, I accepted and embraced my duty to be a healer. But how? How does someone with cancer, a thyroid issue and now a diabetic (not to mention asthmatic) do this safely during these covid times? It took a while to figure out but now I’m excited as I embark on my new journey, my metamorphosis, my duty, my re-invention of Self.
Anyone who follows me on my twitter feed @judyvolhart had a teeny hint the other day regarding the project I’ve been working on, when energy permits. As I work on putting all the pieces together and staying motivated and pushing aside the tiredness that comes from learning new things, new systems, I scribble furiously in my notebook to keep track of all the ideas racing through my head. I am encouraged that something in life still motivates me to be a better person.
I still struggle with bitterness and darkness, as I know so many people around the world currently do. This is hard for me as I’m usually a very positive and cheerful person. Who is this new me? Was she always there?
Returning briefly to the topic of this pandemic, I think we can all agree that it’s given us all a chance to have time for important things like family, to slow down, and to examine and feel comfortable with our own thoughts, question the legitimacy of some of the friendships/relationships that we have and, perhaps most importantly, re-examine our own selves and if we are happy with this Self.
I’ve seen friends turn on friends, hypocrisy, selfishness, sadness, blatant idiocy, rudeness and out-right assholes. On the flip side, I’ve also seen kindness, generosity and positive impacts on our planet.
As an author, being in the public eye- and being a yogi on top of that- there’s an expectation to comment on events that shape the world. As an empath, this is something I actually usually avoid. For my own well being, I seldom follow the news or get embroiled in political or inflammatory debates. It’s not my thing. It doesn’t have to be my thing; it’s not my journey.
And so I resume my dharmic path. I embrace it, and I look forward to sharing it with everyone. I hope to have it all in place by my 51st birthday, which is September 15th. In reality, even as I say that, I feel the self-imposed pressure and question, “Why am I doing this?”
My answer? Because I must. I had to find a way of helping others while still keeping myself safe. I have to fulfil my duty as an empath, yogi and healer, even if it scares me to death and the mere thought of re-inventing myself, yet again, makes me tired and I just want to lie down and sleep. I’m also a bit stubborn and I never expected to be the type of person to sit around and do nothing. I’ve done nothing now for a number of months- and that’s okay. Sometimes, we need to do nothing to become whole again. Once we are, it’s time to help others.
Peace, cheers, and to good health for now my friends and readers. Stay tuned for more as everything slowly falls into place. Most importantly, simply stay safe, happy and positive.